PART 3: Present
Mama… Mama… where are you…muhje dhere ho rahi hai …jaldi kuch dona kane ko…have to rush to office…screamed Geet. Arey mein tho kab se teri liye roti banake rahki hai…jaldi kaha le aur phir box maine bhi bar le. Aur haan aaj aapne boss se chuti keliye baath karle..teri behan ki shaadi hai tuhje aur teri bhai hi sab kuch samaalna hai hum sab tho rasmo mein busy rahenge.. Haan Maa mein aaj puch longi waise kaisa tha mood would be mrs ka…from 3-4 days she has been eating my head that jiju ne phone nahi kiya…karthey bhi tho iske viva shuru karlethe hai ..aur yeh kuch puchne se pehle hi sab bhool jati hai…and the end…i am already had enough of her cribbing …Hogaya yaa aur bhi baaki hai …ab dheere nahi ho rahi hai tuhje…teek hai maine nahi bolti…jo hona hai ..aur jaise hona hai waise hi hoga…Arey tu gussa hogayi … I don’t have to worry about you nor your bhai… I know you will manage everything…but your di I don’t how she will manage anything. Geet thought “Mama forget about the worry you never cared to know about me, so how will you even be able to help me, and when it comes to di, you have never allowed her to manage anything, if you had given her a chance she would proved n handled things with easy. She is not helpless; you guys have made her helpless” Mera BF hogaya, mein chali…bye mama…Arey Geet I forgot to tell you, your cousins are also coming early to help in wedding. Haan patha hai agle hafte arahe hai na Tej ji veerji aur Nandini mazza ayega…waise maa aaj thodi late hojayegi.
A week passed and even the wedding was completed with all the rituals, even di also went off to her in laws place and our room no ..no..my room seems to be just walls, like I have just fallen in a black hole where darkness and loneliness is engulfing me from all around. Even though it was only her presence beside me it used to at least help me to keep my emotions at check not even shed tears or even if I did it would have been only silent tears. I have always shed tears unknown to anyone; I had none with whom I could share my pains nor have any ear who could hear my talks nor any shoulder to lean upon. Parents, Siblings, Friends I have everyone but still none when I want them, I have always heard, leant my support to almost all the friends, I know many secrets of my friends but they don’t know any of mine. It is not that I never wanted to share anything with anyone it was just that I could not trust anyone with my secrets. I have always portrayed as a strong lady to the outer world never disclosed my venerable side to them, many have not even seen my tears nor they know that even I have a heart which could be hurt. I get hurt in each and every small thing which none know as I have never expressed but only suppressed deep inside me. I still remember when I was in 9th my friend asking me do you ever cry and I had told her I do almost every day, she was shocked … How can I forget that look on her face. This is what happens when I am alone I get lost in my own world of loneliness, someone or the other has to keep a watch on my actions and thoughts but alas when none know this secret of mine, who is going to be my side always.
What is so special in managing things in a wedding anyone can do that but my mama says you did a very good job, you didn’t let any hurdles to come in. I will never feel so great if I do things which anyone can do, my dream to do something unique, something which will differentiate it from the whole world but special is something which cannot be said in context of my life. It has always been normal may it be any part. Why am I saying this is the question I have asked myself n number of times. Only 2 things I have asked in my life that is LOVE n ATTENTION, which now I feel can happen in my dreams only.
Dreams …Just the word makes me smile, why I shouldn’t as there is no boundary or any conditions exits there. I can spread my wings as much as I want. Koi bandeshein nahi, Koi rokne wala nahi, na kise se umeed, na kise koi shikwa.
Today, when I sit looking at the setting sun remembering my life, I wait for my END. END reminds of my attempt to reach the END which I had tried and had miserable failed around 10 years back, that day I realised I don’t even have the strength to reach the END, but will have to wait till it engulfs me.